As I write this I do have a few tears welling up in my eyes. In the shower I came to the realisation that Christmas is lost or to my way of thinking it is. One very special Christmas time a long time ago I lived on a farm and all my mum’s family came for Christmas. 4 car loads of aunties, uncles grandparents and cousins. Our house was full to the brim and overflowing and when it was time for sleep, us kids slept where we fell.
I remember one night my sister and I climbed into my grandparents old car and slept there. The joy of going it rough was exhilarating. We were kids and it was wonderful. We teased our cousins with their inexperience of farms and farm animals. Laughing when they boasted of their prowess on the bare back of a horse and rolled around laughing when they fell off. Oh life was good. I aso remember all the women in the kitchen. Cooking, serving, cleaning and laughing so much we would go into the kitchen to see what all the ruckus was about. It was just my mum, grandma and aunties laughing together. Someone dropped the jelly, burnt the custard or forgot to cook something.
This memory had me in tears. Christmas now is about coming to someone’s home and sitting and being served. No offers of help, nothing. Hubby and I did it twice this year. Christmas eve and Christmas day. At the same time we were caring for a very sick little dog who ate something off the lawn and had a bowel infection. If she vomited I would be out of bed in a shot to hold her while she emptied her stomach. This would begin at 0330. If I didn’t hold her she would fall over and land in it. Lots of diarrhoea too so constantly washing her bottom, the floors, the rugs, the bath and wherever else she did it. We had no sleep! And now I have a bad case of dry itchy skin on my hands from cleaning. Bleeding too.
I had been wondering why we have been feeling so drained and so tired. I don’t suppose Christmas will ever be the same again. It’s lost. There was no joy! It was mostly about drinking and presents. Even on Christmas day I had to drive around Adelaide visiting and then picking people up for lunch. Then they sat there drinking. Not an offer… This is my time of the year when I have a half a glass of something alcoholic. It numbs my brain and I go about my serving duties with the mechanisation of a well trained monkey.
Kept losing my glass because all I did was run in and out of the house for things for the guests and to look after the dogs etc…I must have been in a state of total confusion. Trying so desperately to hold it together. What a miserable time. I feel so sad I could really just cry…. I feel as if the joy of Christmas has changed so much and it will never be the same. No wonder I am beginning to dislike Christmas. It doesn’t hold the same feeling for me anymore.
If ever I go to someone’s home I always do the dishes or at least help clean up. I know how hard it is for the host to get a big meal ready and then have to clean up after. Am I the only one who does this??? I would never treat my host as a servant.
I would think the amount of work I did over those couple of days would have killed a work horse. Hoping this next Christmas I can go away. I just don’t want to be here. Am definitely going to be working on it! Don’t get me wrong, I love all my family but I think I’ve just worn my self out and Christmas is now about being waited upon when you’re a guest.
I still don’t feel any better but there it is.
Hope yours was better.